A Rainbow in my Hands
by Lady Raion
Summary: PostGame Squinoa Two halves of a whole, gone their seperate ways once the fairy tale ceased to be. Two hearts bound through eternity, and when one sings, the other can do nothing but answer its call of anguish. CH.5
1. The Real Folk Blues

Note #1:  I don't own anything in this story except the plot.  Each chapter in the story is like a songfic onto itself, but it typically works into the plot, as you'll soon see.

Note #2:  I rearranged the lyrics of this song around (please don't sue, artistic license!) a little as it is originally in Japanese, and the English lyrics don't always… fit in correctly, know what I'm saying?  Anyway, the song was written by the musical genius Yoko Kanno (so it belongs to her) and was performed by the very talented Mai Yamane.  

                                                Chapter 1: The Real Folk Blues

            Flowers.  Moreover, they were roses, the luscious red petals emanating with the sweet scent of life itself.  They were gorgeous, seeming to sparkle in the sunlight that streamed in through her window, caressing the dozen symbols of love that were perfectly arranged in the vase.  It was a gift, a token of admiration sent by some romantic stranger who wanted to sweep her off her feet.  The card tucked cautiously amongst the layers of ruby red velvet was mysterious, and without a signature.   

"You'll always be on my mind."

It wasn't an unusual occurrence, in fact, her apartment was decorated with new bouquets almost every week.  But roses were rare, as expensive as they were.  Beautiful and sweet, imparting their message of love…  They made her want to cry.

It's too late to lament 

That we were deeply in love 

The wind is still blowing 

_And my heart cannot heal_

            Turning her head from the windowsill, her eyes misted, and suddenly she was on her knees on the ground, shards of glass and scattered crimson petals littering the floor around her as she sobbed to herself.  A disgusted sigh reached her ears from behind her, and a pair of strong hands rested on her shoulders.  She knocked them away from her, forcing herself to look at the source of her sorrow.  

            "No!" she yelled, the cry echoing in her mind.  "Don't say it again, you'll only be lying!"

            She squeezed her eyes shut at the sound of the slamming door, choking back the lump in her throat as she relived the memory that stalked her mind, both in her waking moments and her dreams.  The words, the image, the emotion; it was like a ghost that walked at her side, and refused to release her from its painful grip.  She took a deep breath and continued to sing in a slightly shaky voice.

I hoped that I could sleep 

In the cradle of your love again 

One side of my eyes sees tomorrow 

And the other one sees yesterday             Fingertips continued to gently brush the ivory keys, an angelic melody flowing from the instrument before her, as she poured heart and soul into the wistful tune she played.  In the back of her mind, she imagined that the band was there, their powerful music rising behind her and colliding with her bittersweet song, making it into something new, and overwhelming.  There was a reason why people came from all over the city to see her perform.  Those who watched her would leave breathless and shaken.  They would be eternally haunted by her sorrowful words, and heavenly voice.  Heartbroken or not, by the end of the night, you would feel a tightening in your chest, and a feeling as if your soul would burst.  It was exactly as she felt.  Longing and despair, intermingled and flowing boundlessly between the worlds of the spiritual and the material in the form of elegant poetry. Someone cry for me with parched eyes 

It was a lonely life, despite all the different people she met everyday.  She would never have imagined herself to lead such a pitiful existence, but this was the only thing that felt right.  To drift through the world as a shadow, dancing along the border between existence and dreams… only this way could she ever think to survive.  Her name and her talent were the only things about her that were well known, and even then, only within the city.  She was never discovered, because she never wanted to be, and the people of the city kept her a secret to keep all to themselves.  She didn't want to be in the world's spotlight anymore.

            She had always been a down to earth girl, wanting only the simple, but joyful things in life.  Fate would not have it that way, however.  Everyone on the western continent knew who she was, but back then, she tried her best to deal with it, before her heart was shattered.  Wasn't it morbidly funny how the one thing that could put your heart back together was the thing that broke it in the first place?

            Everything she'd known, all the happiness and color in her life… it all seemed to drain away, and now she was left only with these words, these songs of loneliness and remorse.  Every song, she had written for _him._

The real folk blues 

I want to know… 

I just want to know a real sorrow 

Life is not so bad, in the muddy river 

If life is only once… 

_Only once_

Back then, she hadn't stopped to consider if what she was doing was right.  She just knew, as she stood from the floor on shaking legs, and quietly swept up the broken vase and flowers, that she had to leave.  She couldn't take it anymore, all the long nights she spent alone because she had been pushed back to second place, all the hateful glares from the people that knew of the tainted blood in her veins, or even all the star struck gazes and flashing cameras that seemed to surround her anytime she ventured into the world.  It was more than any one person should have to deal with.

            After trashing the pile of splintered glass, she pulled out a suitcase and packed her clothes, and the few things that held real sentimental importance to her.  Anything he had given her, or anything that reminded her of him, she left behind.

            She ran through the mostly empty halls, not stopping once to look back.  She plowed right into one of her best friends, and paused only long enough to murmur an apology before going on.

            She caught the last train out for the evening, settling into a seat at the back of her car and trying in vain not to think or feel.  She stared out at the darkening landscape, and her vision blurred once more as the full weight of what she had done finally began to sink in.  She had left the love of her life behind, and now, she could never return.  She realized with a start that she could look all she wanted to for a happier life elsewhere, but she would never find it.  It was hopeless…

Hopeless hope 

_And chance with traps_

_What is right and what is wrong_

_It's like two sides of a coin_

Now, here she was, sitting in a small apartment in a slightly run-down area of Esthar, playing and singing her frustrations away as she had been doing for the past nine months since buying the piano.  Why Esthar?  After taking the train to Dollet, she spent a night in a hotel room, wondering where to go.  There was no way she could go running back to That Man, and she didn't want to burden her old friends in Timber.  For once, she would have to stand on her own two feet.

            At some point during the night, a flash of what she had assumed was lightening illuminated the room, and woke her from her deep slumber.  Pulling back the curtains over her balcony door to get a look at the storm, she discovered a photographer standing out on her balcony.  A few screams, and an arrest later, she decided she would have to leave the area, if she were ever to live in peace.  This left three places: the abandoned continent of Centra, the freezing, SeeD dominated country of Trabia, or Esthar.  Though Esthar was beginning to open up to the rest of the world, its people were still slightly disconnected, and probably wouldn't know who she was, since the Estharian government had kept her identity secret when they captured her.

            She took what small bit of money was her own to keep, and got an apartment.  While wandering the streets one evening, she came across a small bar called the Swimming Bird, and auditioned to be part of the nightly entertainment.  Her life had been a steady routine of getting dressed up every evening, singing late into the night, and waking up around noon the next morning since then.  That was how she would live, and the way things were looking, that's how she would die.

_How long must I live, until I find release_

She briefly wondered, as she often did, if he had moved on already.  It had been nearly a year, after all.  She had tried her damnedest to find someone else that would fill the hole in her soul, but it was no use.  After a while, she had just stopped trying.

            She also couldn't help but wondered what he thought or felt when she left.  Did he shed a tear, or show any form of emotion?  Did he feel guilty, and angry, or did he just except the news with a quiet nod, and go on about his business?  She wondered if he had changed at all.  For a moment, she could do nothing but ponder if his life was just as empty as hers.  Did he ever miss that amazing feeling they had shared, or had he ever even felt it at all?  Did he think of her all the time, as she did him?

            "You'll always be on my mind."

            She bit deeply into her lip for a brief moment, hating the fact that she sounded like some kind of crazed fan, fawning over him, the way some did over her.

The real folk blues 

_I just want to feel…_

_I just want to feel a real pleasure_

_All that glitters…_

_Isn't gold_

So this was the real folk blues.  To look upon your life and see an endless world of gray, or to know that you're not dreaming, only because you feel the pain.  To live within the dreary world of common man, and know that fairy tale romance is only a shallow child's tale... that's what her song was about.  That's what her life was about.

            It was a sorry state of existence, and never would she have expected to find herself here.  Every day was lonely, monotonous, and her job was to sing the words that tore at her heart each time they left her mouth.  Still, it wasn't such a bad life.  Rinoa Heartilly had decided, a long time ago, that she could see it through to the end, so long as she would only have to live her life once.

The real folk blues 

_I want to know…_

_I just want to know a real sorrow_

_Life is not so bad in the muddy river_

_If life is only once…_

_Only once…_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Sorry this is so short, and boring!!!  I never post anything this short, but I just couldn't say anymore.  The next chapters will be longer, as there will actually be something happening in those chapters.  I expect this fic to only run about four or five chapters (that's my estimate anyway).  And yes, fear not, it will get better.  Also, sorry if the formatting's not that great, I fixed 10 freaking times and this was the best I could get it!

Chapter 2 "Hold On": As Rinoa performs an old song of hers at the Swimming Bird, she gazes out into the crowd, and notices a pair of familiar eyes staring at her through the darkness….

                                  


	2. Hold On

Disclaimer: FF8 characters and locations don't belong to me, nor does this chapter's song "Hold On".  This song belongs to Limp Bizket, it's one of the few sorta slow, serious songs that they've done.

                                                            Chapter 2:  Hold On

            It was a typical day.  Sun streamed in through the balcony window, illuminating the blank white living room where she sat, munching on a piece of toast and trying to ignore the loud, violent argument of the couple above her.  Her gaze swept the room, half expecting to see those dreaded roses sitting so innocently on the coffee table once more.  But no, she had thrown them out the night before, no longer able to stomach the sight of them.

            Other than the constant racket of her neighbors, things were eerily quiet.  In fact, she'd grown to like it that way.  In the silence, she could pretend she was still sitting in her dorm room at the garden, enjoying a nice day of laziness while she waited for _him _to get off work.  Her wait, however, had always seemed to stretch on into the late hours of the evening, and when he finally did show up, he was quiet, and distant, always caught up in the worries of the day.  She almost choked on her last bite of toast as she realized just how much like him she had become.

            "It's not like I've got much of anyone to pay any attention to," she mumbled, entering her bedroom and opening the closet door to inspect her dress for the night.  It was long and navy blue, with slits going up both sides until they reached her upper thigh.  The front was low cut, forming a v-shape that curved over the top of her breasts and came to a point at the cavity of her upper abdomen.  A thin string of faux diamonds lead up from the tip of the v and would loop around her neck, holding the dress in place.  A sheer, sparkling material was placed over the silky blue, ensuring that she would dazzle and shine on the stage when the light hit her.

            As she was studying the dress, she couldn't help but wonder, what would he think if he saw her in it?  Would he be impressed?  Her thoughts were interrupted as a hand on her shoulder made her jump.

            "So, thinking of modeling that dress for me?"

            She wheeled around to face the source of those words, anger clearly visible on her face.  "How many times have I told you that key is just for emergencies!" she hissed at the tall, dark-haired man before her.

            He only grinned as he replied.  "I thought it was.  I knocked, and knocked, and you never answered."

            "You didn't knock once!" Rinoa shot back.  "You were just hoping you would catch me in here changing.  I'm gonna have the locks changed you perv!  Now what the hell do you want?"

            "Such language isn't very becoming of a lady," he teased.

            "Shut up, Max, or I swear they'll never find you body!" she growled.  "It isn't time for rehearsal yet."

            Max continued to smile.  "I just thought maybe you'd like to grab some lunch or something before rehearsal.  Or we could always just stay here… alone, in your bedroom…"

            Rinoa sighed in disgust.  Max was a friend of hers, and the head of the band, but more often than not, he was obnoxious, and perverted.  Though she had dated one of two guys since coming to Esthar, he hadn't been one of them.

            (I wonder if he were to see this… would he be jealous at all?)

            "I just want to look over my music for a while," Rinoa replied after a moment.  "I have to pick out a song for tonight.  So if you wouldn't mind…"

            "I get the hint," he grumbled as he turned to leave.  "But you know… seriously speaking, you look really down today.  Well, more so than usual.  What's bothering you?"

            "You always ask me questions that you already know the answers to," she sighed.  "Last night, I had a dream that he showed up, from out of no where, and said he was dying.  His last mission was to come see me, and tell me… happy birthday," she finished with a confused expression.  "Then he walked me home from a funeral, in the rain, and we…" she trailed off, deciding it wasn't appropriate to share anymore.

            Max cocked his head to the side.  "Oh, one of those kind of dreams…  But wait, it's no where near your birthday."

            Rinoa laughed slightly.  "Yes, I know."

            The two were silent for a moment, before Max asked, "What was he like?"

            "I told you a million times before," she replied.  "He was everything I wanted, and could never have.  He was my knight in shining armor… He was a fairy tale, that never came true…"

            Max sighed, his usually light, cheerful mood heavy with the weight of his friend's sadness.  "I'll leave you to your work now, Rin.  Hope you feel better."

            Rinoa watched him leave, before she pulled open her diary, and flipped through the pages.  "This one," she murmured to herself.  It was a song she'd written about their time together.  "If you do show up, out of nowhere, and hear my song… I want you to know, just what you put me through."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            The Swimming Bird was a small, slightly run-down bar a few blocks from her apartment.  It occupied the bottom floor of a two-story building, and like every place of business in Esthar, had a bright, neon sign hanging over the door.  The name of the bar flashed in red letters, while a six-winged bird with the tail of a fish flew/swam in pale green outline below it.  

            The inside was bigger than it looked from the outside, housing a small stage along with several tables, booths, and of course, the bar itself.  Behind the stage was a one-person bathroom where the band members would get changed, while Rinoa would head upstairs and change in the owner's apartment, to be safe from spying eyes.  

            As she descended the stairs in her form-fitting gown, she heard the typical wolf-whistle from Max, which she had learned to ignore.  The odor of cheap alcohol and cigarettes hung heavy in the air, and would only get stronger once the glittery purple curtain was lifted.  It used to make her dizzy, until she thought she would pass out on stage.  Now, it was something she was used to, something that was strangely familiar.

            Rinoa walked out onto the stage where the band was tuning up, giving them each a nod before peaking through the curtains at the crowd as she did every night.  The room was bright, and hazy with all the smoke hanging idly in the air.  Elegant chairs with plush red cushions bearing liquor stains and cigar burns surrounded wooden tables with scratched and scuffed surfaces.  Waitresses in short skirts and high heels ran from table to table, trying to keep up with the growing number of people.  Most of the tables were filled, indicating it would be a busy night.

            The lights dimmed suddenly, making it so she could only make out the rectangle of faint light provided by the glass door.  She poked her head back in and took her place at the microphone, taking a large sip of water from the glass on the stool next to her.

            "Ladies and gentlemen," the bar tender's voice came booming through the speakers.  "The Swimming Bird would like to present to you… Ms. Rinoa Heartilly."

            At that moment, the curtain slid back, and the soft stage lights illuminated her.  Her heart rate sped up, and adrenaline began to pound through her body.  No matter how many times she'd been through this, she still felt nervous at the beginning of every show.

            "Good evening, everyone," she began in a quiet voice.  From the corner of her eye, she saw the door open, and one of the waitresses quickly ushered the people to a seat.  Rinoa resisted the urge to frown.  She hated when people walked in after the show had begun.  "I'll be singing a song for you that I wrote… quite some time ago.  I really hope you enjoy it."

            On cue, the base kicked in, and Rinoa allowed her eyes to flutter closed, her mind quickly being drawn into a trance as her music seeped into her veins.  Without even having to think about it, her voice rose from deep within her body.

You keep your distance I can't deny you I got the feeling I can't satisfy you I got your picture on the wall I got the picture long gone 

            Somewhere in the back of her mind, her thoughts wandered to the dream she'd had the previous night.

            It was dark, and she seemed to be standing in the middle of nowhere.  She turned in endless circles, searching for something, anything but the blackness the surrounded her so completely.  She screamed for help, again and again, yet, there was nothing.  Finally, she lost hope, and sat down upon the cold, hard earth, head hung in defeat.

            Before her, a shadow appeared, at first, barely visible within the darkness.  Slowly, as it drew closer, the shadow revealed its identity to her, causing her heart to skip a beat or two, as she studied those familiar eyes…

You keep your wishes I'll keep my feelings There goes another one That kept me breathing I'm waiting for you I know you're leaving I'll still adore you You'll never need me 

            "I'm… dying.  This is my last mission.  I had to come… say… happy birthday…" Rinoa strained to hear what he was saying.  His voice was so faint, she could only pick up those few words.  Despite the resentment she felt toward him, her heart still ached to hear his voice speak to her, in that quiet, but strong way he had. 

            He said he was dying.  But dreams didn't mean anything, right?  They were just figments of her imagination, running free while her consciousness slept.   It was nothing to worry about.  Even if it was, why should she care?

Hold on I'll find another way to let you 

_Go... away..._

_Hold on_

_You'll find another way to bleed my_

_Soul... away..._

After he had finished speaking, images flashed through her mind so rapidly that she couldn't identify them.  When finally she could see things clearly again, she realized she was walking alongside him, down an empty street in Esthar.  Rain fell heavily around them, pelting their skin like small daggers, and soaking through their clothes until they were shivering.

            "Well… died.  It's hard… feel anything.  I know… stand, but…"

            "But I do," she heard herself whisper, though she hadn't heard everything that he'd said.  "I do… better than you know.  I once felt the same."

            "Soon, I'll… as well."

            She shook her head.  "I don't know what to say."

            He shrugged.  "Don't… anything… Sing… Noa?"

            "Yes," she found herself replying to a question she didn't understand.  "For you."

            In her heart, she could feel herself crying.  His voice was distant, and his words stung her soul.  She wanted so badly to hear him… to really, truly hear him, no matter the bitter memories it might stir up.

The things you told me 

_To hear you speak_

_I'm burning slowly_

_I'm growing weak_

_You bring me closer to yesterday_

_Yesterday's a million miles away_

They entered her apartment as she hummed a tune she'd never heard before.  They discarded their coats in a soggy pile on the floor, and her head started to spin.  His arms were around her now, his face buried in the crook of her neck… Was that a tear she felt, seeping through her sweater?

            No words were spoken, as the rest of their clothes joined their coats on the floor, and she found herself beneath him in her bed.  Dizziness clouded her mind, but she could feel her body on fire with his touch.  Why, why were they doing this?  She'd never wanted to see him again, much less be with him again.  All thoughts and questions were erased from her mind as she looked up into his eyes.  She could see heaven there, hidden within the icy depths… true euphoria…

            Doubt, confusion… those eyes…

Why can't you hear me Why can't I see you And I don't understand What keeps me breathing I'm waiting for you I know you're leaving I'll still adore you You'll never need me             Her mind jolted into awareness as she realized she really was staring into those ethereal orbs she'd come to despise.  She could see them now, staring at her from across the room, watching her every movement as though he were mesmerized.  She half wondered if she was dreaming again.  He couldn't be here… Her heart jumped into her throat as the weight of his presence sunk in, and she struggled to finish out her song. Hold on I'll find another way to let you Go... away... Hold on You'll find another way to bleed my Soul... away...             As Rinoa finished out the last few verses of the song, she carefully stepped over to Max, leaning down close to his ear.  "I feel really sick," she whispered.  "I have to leave now.  Could you please cover for me?"             He nodded, taking the microphone from her and waiting until she had left the stage to announce her illness.  As she heard her name over the speakers, she cringed, and decided she would just leave her clothes there, and pick them up the next day.  Right now, the only thing she could focus on was leaving.             She was almost to the door, when she bumped into someone standing directly in her path.  She stumbled back a bit, and found herself staring into bright, jade-colored eyes.             "Long time no see," her old friend whispered.  "At least, not since you ran me over in the hall and took off without saying a word."             Rinoa winced at the edge in Selphie's voice.  For her to still be angry, Rinoa's sudden departure must have upset her deeply.             "I'm sorry, Selphie," she replied. "It was just… I would rather not talk about it if you don't mind."             "Well, I do mind.  You're my friend, and I have a right to know!"             "Selphie," a calm, steady voice called.  A tall, blonde-haired woman came to stand behind her, placing a hand on the smaller girl's shoulder.  "I'm sure she has her reasons."             "That's not good enough!" Selphie cried.  "You just ran away!  You had us all so worried, we… Hey!"             Selphie interrupted herself as a familiar figure made his way out of the bar.  She took one last, tearful glance in Rinoa's direction before taking off after him, leaving only Quistis behind.             "I really am sorry," Rinoa murmured.  "But I just… I couldn't take it anymore."             Quistis nodded.  "We all suspected as much.  Though, he never did tell us what happened between the two of you.  Every time we'd ask, he'd just scowl and stomp away.  He's been increasingly ill-tempered since you left."             "Yeah, well… How is everyone?" Rinoa asked, hoping to change the subject.             "Selphie and Irvine still have the same on again, off again relationship they've always had.  He keeps cheating, and she keeps taking him back.  I've been given my instructor license back.  Zell's been thinking of proposing to that library girl, and Squall's…" her voice trailed off as she noticed the glint of tears in Rinoa's eyes.  "Wrong subject, I see.  Well, I better go catch up to those two.  Goodbye, Rinoa."             Rinoa could only nod, and stare after her as she left.  Her past had come back to haunt her, and just left the same way it came.  At least it was over.             She stepped outside and stood underneath the awning as she watched the rain pummel the earth.  She didn't feel like going in and getting changed, so she decided she would just have to walk through it in her dress. 

            As she took a step forward, a voice stopped her.  "It's not safe for you to be walking these streets alone."

            Her body tensed, and she considered running away.  Instead, she decided to turn and face the inevitable.  There he was, stepping out from the shadowed alleyway… Selphie had probably run right past him.

            "What do you want?" she demanded.

            "What, I can't even say hi to you now?"

"Why would you bother doing that now, when you couldn't take the time to do it then?  There's no point in it now.  There's nothing more to be said," she retorted coldly.

"You've changed a lot, Rinoa," he pointed out, stepping closer.  "You sound, almost like me."

            "Yeah, well I guess you rubbed off on me.  Some people you just can't forget, even if you want to."  She sighed.  "What are you doing here, anyway?"

            "I'm here to see Laguna.  He's dying," he answered shortly.  "Some happy birthday I'm having."

            Rinoa hated it, but her heart burned in pain for him.  She could see the conflict written clearly on his face.  He'd never wanted to acknowledge the man as his father, but now that his only living flesh and blood relative was dying… and to run into her at the same time.  And yes, she realized slowly.  It was nearing his birthday.

            "I'm sorry.  I… I didn't know."

            "What, you would have been nicer to me if you had?  Forget it.  I don't need your pity.  I won't be here long, don't worry.  This… this is my last mission."

            "What?" she demanded, feeling rage boil within her blood.  He quit SeeD for himself, yet wouldn't do it for her?

            "It's my last mission," he repeated.  "To see that the election of a new president goes smoothly.  Then I'm retiring."

            She turned her back to him.  "Bastard…"

            "I know.  I shouldn't have stayed behind to talk to you… but I had to come and say, for whatever it's worth…"

            "Don't say you're sorry!"

            He nodded.  "Right.  I forgot how much you hated that word.  I guess it wouldn't make any difference to tell you that I mean it?"  When she didn't reply, he stepped closer until he was standing next to her.  "At least let me give you my jacket.  You'll catch a cold."

            "You were always so good at protecting me from physical danger.  Anything that threatened me, you destroyed.  The only thing you couldn't protect me from was yourself.  I don't need you anymore!" she yelled suddenly.

            Max chose that moment to step outside.  "Hey, Rinoa, is this creep bothering you?" he asked, looking from one to the other.

            "Oh, I see," he said, looking from Max, then to Rinoa.  "I see…"

            No, she wasn't his girlfriend anymore, and no, she shouldn't have cared, yet still, she felt like she had to explain that Max was just a friend.  The words died on her lips, however, as looked up to find that Squall Leonhart, the love of her former life, was retreating back into the shadows that he'd come from.

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A/N:  Well, this one is quite a bit longer, as promised.  

Chapter 3 "Life is Just a Dream":  Rinoa awakes the next morning to find that she's been summoned to perform for the president one last time.

               


	3. Life is Just a Dream

Disclaimer:  FF8 characters and locations don't belong to me.  Nor does the song "Blue" which was written by Yoko Kanno, and performed by Mai Yamane.  

                                                Chapter 3:  Life is Just a Dream

            She had cried herself to sleep the night before.  She had cried until she was choking on her own tears, and her body was trembling uncontrollably.  The look in his eyes as his glance shifted between her and Max, it shone clearly as jealousy.  If he was jealous, did that mean he still had feelings for her?  Did the fact that he dodged his friends just to talk to her alone mean that he still felt something?  That he hadn't moved on?  She finally came to the conclusion that it didn't matter.  He thought that she had, and she would probably never see him again anyways.

            After such a long night of tearing herself apart, she wasn't in the greatest of moods when the phone rang at eight o'clock that morning.  She snatched the phone off the hook angrily and placed it against her ear, trying to focus on what the caller was saying through her sleep-hazed mind.

            "Hello, is this Rinoa Heartilly?"

            "Yes," she replied in a groggy tone.  "Who's this?"

            "I'm an assistant to President Laguna Loire.  You may not know this, but the president is terminally ill.  In fact, the doctors don't really think he'll make it through the night.  He asked us to call you, before he died.  He wants you to come to the presidential palace and perform for him."

            "But why?"

            "I'm not sure, I just know that it was the request of a dying man.  Will you come?"

            Rinoa sighed.  It had been such a long night.  The idea of staying home and sleeping in had seemed like paradise to her.  She was tired, depressed, and felt as if she'd been hit by a truck.  "Yes, I'll come.  What time."

            "Anytime you can.  The sooner the better, however.  He could go at any moment."

            "Alright," she replied softly.  "I'll be there soon."

            She hung up the phone and let loose a massive yawn.  Yes, she felt terrible, but still, she couldn't deny the wish of a dying man, especially one she knew personally.

            As her senses returned to her, so did the image of his eyes, boring into her own.  He had watched her sway gracefully to the music, his eyes following her every movement as if he were entranced.  He never took the time, while they were together, to study her so closely.  Why now?  Why after all this time and pain did he suddenly find her so interesting?

            "Just when I'm getting used to being without you, you have to show up again.  I didn't think it was possible to be more miserable than I was... Guess you proved me wrong again," she murmured bitterly as she stood from the bed and strode to her closet.

            She pushed aside her glitzy performance gowns, thinking it inappropriate for such a morbid occasion.  In the back of her closet she found two other dresses, one a simple, off-the-shoulder crimson, and the other... was short, off-white, and looped around her neck.

            "Damn you!" she cursed at the memory, which brought to her mind yet again, the man she had seen the night before.  She jerked the red gown from the closet and tossed it to her bed.  "Everywhere I look, there's something of you there!"

            Rinoa brought a trembling hand to her mouth, and tried to suppress the oncoming sobs.  Now was not the time to revel in her grief.  She had a 'gig' to perform, a promise she had to keep.

            After a long, hot shower, she fixed her hair and slipped into her dress.  As she left the apartment building, she was surprised to see a white stretch limo hovering above the blue-tinted street.  A man she recognized as Kiros stepped out in his white presidential robes, and forced a smile.  "Ms. Heartilly, nice to see you again."

            She nodded to him and quickly stepped into the vehicle with his help.  "Nice to see you, too.  I must say, I'm flattered he wanted me to perform for him."

            "We've all heard great things about you.  And, you are the daughter of his first love, you know.  He was thrilled when he heard that you had chosen to pursue her career."

            "He knew my mother?"

            "Julia Heartilly?  Yes.  I remember Laguna dragging us to the Deling City bar on several occasions, just to see her."  Kiros laughed a little, but the look of sorrowful nostalgia was clearly present in his eyes.

            "I'm sorry that this has happened.  It must be terribly hard for you and Ward."

            He nodded.  "Yes, well... I suppose his time has just come.  He's lived a full life.  I just wish that Squall would forgive him."

            Rinoa couldn't help but shake her head.  "Don't expect much from him.  He's too wrapped up in himself to notice anything or anyone else."

            His eyes widened slightly in surprise, and he opened his mouth to speak.  After a moment's consideration, he just shook his head, and closed him mouth.  He peered out the window, feeling an uncomfortable silence sink in, and announced, "Oh look, we're almost there."

            As he looked back at the saddened young woman, he couldn't help but wonder if he'd made the right decision in keeping his mouth shut.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            The presidential palace hadn't changed at all since she'd been there over a year ago.  There were still the same strange lift devices, which were absent from her neighborhood, and the scene of Winhill painted over the double doors to his conference room.  She was taken beyond this, however, to a part of the palace she'd never seen.

            Two arched, gold-painted doors opened up to a beautiful ballroom with white marbled floors and giant gold pillars.  The ceiling was a glass dome, and as she looked up through it, she couldn't help but be reminded of the ballroom in Balamb Garden.

            (That was where he kissed me for the first time.  Where he deceived me into thinking he actually cared.)

            In the center of the room, a white grand piano stood, and in front of it, a line of luxurious red-cushioned chairs.  She recognized an older, frail looking Laguna seated in the middle, and Ward beside him.  Laguna seemed to have aged so much since last she saw him, that it startled her.

            When finally she stood next to the piano, she bowed to Laguna, and smiled.  "It's an honor to be here, sir."

            "Come now, Rinoa.  You know I hate that formal talk," he said in a strained voice.  "We're old friends, remember?"

            "Of course I do," she replied sincerely, and her smile grew.  "It's been quite a while, Laguna.  You're looking old."

            The people seated around him gasped, but he just laughed mightily.  "I guess so, huh?  You look more lovely than ever."

            "Thank you, Laguna.  Now, what would you like me to play for you?"

            He considered for a moment.  "When I first asked you here, I was thinking I'd ask you to play "Eyes on Me".  But, now that you're here, I think I want you to play me one of your own songs.  Something..." he paused for a moment and sighed.  "Bitter sweet."

            "I can do that," she replied as she seated herself on the piano bench and began to draw a melody from its depths.  Without hesitation, she cleared her throat, and started to sing in a strong, even voice.

Never seen a bluer sky I can feel it reaching out, and moving closer There's something 'bout blue             On an overhang overlooking the dance floor where Rinoa played, Squall stood, his elbows leaned against the polished railing.  No one had bothered to tell him that Rinoa was coming to the palace.  Even if they had, he wasn't certain if he would've left, or stayed and watched her from afar, as he did now.  His face twisted into something between a smile and a frown as he mused on how he was beginning to feel like her stalker.             He halfway wondered if his father had done this on purpose.  Somehow, probably from Selphie's big mouth, Laguna had learned about his problems with Rinoa.  He wouldn't put it past the nosy old man to try and force them into the same room again.             Squall shook his head, part of him wishing he'd never come at all.  His heart had rejoiced at the sight of her, and once he saw her step on to that stage, nothing could've made him look away from that beautiful creature that had once been his.  Now, she belonged to another man, and all his efforts had been for nothing.  Of course she wouldn't want to talk to him.  She had put their painful past behind her, and was now happy with someone else.  Yes... it was all for nothing. Ask myself was it's all for You know the funny thing about it, I couldn't answer No, I couldn't answer 

            Still, there was one thing that bothered him.  When her new man had stepped outside and caught them together, she had looked at him with remorse in her eyes.  Was it because she hadn't wanted her new boyfriend to see her talking to her ex?  Or perhaps she... missed him?

            No, he quickly pushed that thought from his mind.  She didn't feel that way for him anymore, it was evident in the cold way she spoke to him.  Rinoa had sounded just like he used... like he still did.  He hated himself for it.  Before he'd broken her heart, she had been a bright, cheerful young woman, and now, she acted no better than him, an empty shell of a human being.  His fears had dragged both of them into hell, and now the only thing he had to hold on to was the hope, the illusion that the glimmer of regret in her eyes had been for him.

Things are turning deeper shades of blue 

_And images that might be real, maybe illusions..._

_Keep flashing off and on_

If only there were something he could do, something he could say to set both of them free of their pain, and back into the life they once knew.  No amount of apologies would accomplish that goal now.

_Free..._

_Wanna be free..._

_Gonna be free..._

_And move among the stars_

_You know they really aren't so far_

Laguna watched Rinoa play intently.  She looked just like her mother had when he used to go watch her play.  There was one, notable difference, though.  Her mother had always seemed so happy when she was on stage, playing for an audience.  In Rinoa, he could only see the pain of a deeply wounded heart.  He recognized that same pain in his own son, no matter how hard he tried to stifle his emotions.

            Long ago, when he was a younger man, he'd made the mistake of going away to war, and leaving his love behind.  Though he'd moved on, and found a new life, he still felt the sharp pang in his heart when he was told of Julia Heartilly's marriage.  Raine was his one, true love, yet still, there were feelings for Julia that would never die.  Now, was his son to make the same mistake he did, and leave his love behind?  Laguna found another, but he didn't believe Squall ever would.  For his son, there was but one soul mate, and he feared that Squall would not fight for her as he needed to.  Laguna could only hope that after his life had faded, and he joined with the heavens above, that his son would not repeat his past.

_Please..._

_Don't wake me from the dream_

_It's really everything it seems_

_Feeling so free..._

_No black and white, in the blue..._

Rinoa wanted to cry out at the words she sang.  A dream... that's what her life was like.  A hopeless, meaningless dream where there was no end and no beginning.  Where did the real world start, and where did the numb illusions she held so close to her fade?  She could pretend that her independence was freedom, she could pretend that she was safe in the world she'd built around herself, and so long as reality did not interfere, her dream would continue untouched.

            That's why she hated Squall's sudden appearance back into her life.  It disrupted the safety of her delusions, and brought all the feelings she wanted to forget back to the surface.  So long as she could release the hurt she felt in the form of a song, she could pretend afterward that she were disconnected from it.  Yet, when she'd found herself face to face with everything she'd tried to leave behind, the borders of her calm, mediocre blue world were breeched, and the questions of right and wrong entered once more.

            How could she ever know if she were truly living, if everything had faded into a dream?

Everything is clearer now 

_Life is just a dream, you know_

_That's never ending..._

_I'm ascending..._

A lump was quickly growing in Squall's throat as he watched Rinoa's graceful movements, and he hated it.  Everything about her, he loved it so much, that now he couldn't help but hate it.  He'd never noticed these things before.  So why now, why did he suddenly notice now that it had all been taken away?

            He looked on as Rinoa stood and bowed to her small audience, absorbing their claps and cheers, and praise with a tiny, sad smile.  Before her eyes could fall upon him, he hurried out to the balcony overlooking the desert and tried to get her off his mind.

            Downstairs, Kiros stood and approached Rinoa as Ward helped Laguna get up to go to his room and rest.  "Laguna says that you're free to stay and roam around for however long you like.  You can even stay the night if you wish."

            "No, I would hate to impose.  I might stick around for a while, though," she replied, her eyes edging back to the staircase where she'd just seen a blur of black and white.  She didn't want to speak to him, and yet, her heart yearned to look upon him, just one more time.

            "Alright.  The limo will be waiting for you.  In the meantime, our house is your house."

            Rinoa waited until Kiros had gone before quickly climbing the stairs and stepping out onto the balcony.  Squall heard her heels clicking on the floor, and turned immediately to face her.

            She squirmed beneath his intense gaze as it traveled the length of her body and back.  Were it any other man, she would have screamed at them for being a pervert, but the fact that he was actually taking the time to look at her... well, it was flattering.  Besides, she couldn't really get mad at him for eyeing her when she was so tempted to do the same to him.  "I..." her heart was thundering beneath her breast, as her mind scrambled desperately for something to say.  "I just wanted to say, Max and I aren't involved, or anything," she blurted.

            He gave her a curt nod.  "That's nice.  But why should I care?"

            Inwardly he kicked himself for being so cold, but after the way she'd treated him the night before, it was just his natural reaction.

            "Whatever," she spat.  "Isn't that what you'd usually say?  Of course, I should know that you don't care.  Since when did you ever care?  Well, I guess I don't owe you an apology anyway.  If anything you're the one that-"

            "You won't take a damn apology from me!" he exploded.  "You never have!  Instead of accepting the fact that I was sorry, you just ran!"

            "Oh please!  You're apologies were never sincere!  Every time you were late, every time you stood me up, every time you made me cry, you would say, 'look, I'm sorry', but you never changed!  There's only so much a person can take!"

            "You didn't give me time to change!  You got pissed off one good time, and just took off without a word!  You abandoned me... In the end you're no different than anyone else."

            "Well, you know, maybe Ellone abandoned you because you were so damn selfish!"  As soon as the words had escaped from her lips, she regretted them.  The others had told her before that after Ellone left, Squall blamed himself repeatedly.  Now, here she was, driving a stake into his lifelong wound.  She covered her mouth with her hand.  "I... I'm so sorry, I-"

            Squall turned without another word and began walking back inside, his jaw set and his shoulders rigid against her stare.

            After a split second of hesitation, Rinoa ran after him, locking her hands around his arm and tugging him to a stop.  "Wait!  I didn't mean that, it just slipped out, I swear!" she cried desperately.  "You just made me so angry, and I-"

            "I don't want to hear your apologies."

            "Squall, please!"

            "No!" he replied frostily.  "If you won't hear me out, why should I hear you out?"

            He continued down the stairs, leaving her behind.  Rinoa sobbed, as if the anguish she'd inflicted on him were now her own.  She leaned against the railing, her shoulders shaking wildly as she wondered what kind of demon had possessed her to say such a thing.

            Squall took a few more steps down before he finally came to a stop.  He sighed and closed his eyes briefly, before heading back up the stairs and cautiously placing a hand on her shoulder.  As much as he wanted to walk away from her, he could never stand to hear her cry, and now was no exception.

            She raised her head to look at him, her eyes glittering and her makeup running down her face.  "S-Squall?"

            "Dammit," he growled, turning away and crossing his arms over his chest.  "You know I... that I can't stand for you to cry.  You'd think that it hurt you worse than me."

            "Believe it or not," she sniffled, "I don't really like to see you in pain."

            He leaned against the railing next to her, much in the same fashion as he had before.  "This is a mess."

            She nodded, then laughed.  "Yeah.  Squall... I don't want you to hate me."

            "I don't... So long as you don't hate me."

            She shook her head.  "No, I don't.  This doesn't mean that I can forgive you, or that we can... I mean, I just don't want to..."

            "I know what you mean.  Well, now that we can at least stand to be in the same room together... I'm sure Laguna would appreciate it if you would attend his funeral."

            Rinoa nodded.  "Yes, I will.  When will it be?"

            "Most likely two days from now.  He's expected to pass tonight."

            "I see.  Well, I better be getting back home.  I have work later this evening." 

            "Alright," he replied, stepping away from her slightly.  "…Goodnight, Rinoa."

            She nodded back, and gave him a tearful smile before heading down the stairs.  "Goodnight, Squall."

            On the ride back home, the burden felt a little lighter, the ache in her heart seemed a little duller... and her world of blue seemed a little brighter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Chapter:   "Gotta Knock a Little Harder":  Can one tragedy mend another?  Squall faces the loss of his father in the arms of the love he lost a year before. 

Note:  The song "Blue" is not actually performed with a piano, but since, as far as my imagination knows, Rinoa doesn't play guitar, or those bell thingies, or those weird drum-sounding thingies, she just played piano.

                       


	4. Don't Walk Away

A/N:  Second to last chapter...  I had planned on using a different song before, but I changed my mind, because the other didn't fit in too well.

Warning:  Strong adult content at the end of the chapter.  Don't read if you are offended.  

                                                Chapter 4: Don't Walk Away

            Three days passed by, life slipping away in a haze of mixed emotions.  The hatred and anger she lived with everyday had lessened, and her mind was plagued with images of the man she swore she never wanted to see again.  He had always been the first thing on her mind, but now, the thoughts were not so painful.  

            He had said goodnight, with a ghost of a smile playing on his lips.  He'd never smiled much, but whenever he did, she felt her heart melt inside her chest.  She couldn't help it.  Whether she liked it or not, he still held a part of her soul captive.

            On the third day, she awoke once more to the ringing of the phone.  Lazily, she stretched an arm out and plucked the phone from the stand, bringing it to her ear with a tired yawn.  "Hello?"

            "Rinoa?"

            Her heart fluttered at the sound of his voice, and she felt her face heat up.  "Yes?"

            "Hey, it's me."

            She laughed a little.  "I know who you are."

            "The funeral will be today at four p.m.  Can you be there?"

            "He's gone," Rinoa whispered in realization.  "Squall, I'm so sorry.  Did you get the chance to make up with him?"

            "I'd rather not talk about it right now.  Sorry."

            A frown tugged at her lips, and she sighed.  "I see.  Well, I'll be there."

            "Thanks... Rin."

            Rinoa closed her eyes, feeling tears swell on the surface of her deep brown spheres.  It wasn't a big deal, and yet, it touched a piece of her heart that had been swallowed in shadows for quite some time.  The night on the balcony, when they'd sealed their relationship with a kiss, or the few times that he held her close, and she was certain that he loved her just as much as she did him... he'd simply called her Rin, in a soft, warm tone that he used with no other.  It was something so small, but after all this time, it meant so much.  

            "You're welcome," she choked out, before they both gently placed the receiver back on the hook. 

            Rinoa laid back in her bed and allowed her eyes to drift closed.  She felt something strange, so distant it was almost foreign, lingering in her heart.  As her body relaxed within her bundle of warm, cushiony blankets in a way she hadn't for so long, she realized she was feeling peacefulness.  Yes, her mind was still troubled with questions, and anxieties about seeing Squall again, but at least now they could talk.  

            As she relished the sound of his gentle voice in her ear, it came to her how much she missed just talking to him, and being in his presence.  He would never speak very much, and often, he would shy away from her, but just to be close to him was enough.  Yes, she still loved him, that much she knew.  What she didn't know was if he still felt the same.  He still liked her, but love?  Did he ever love her at all?  She'd never been completely sure, and that uncertainty was one of the things that drove her away.  Even if he did, would anything have changed since the year before?  Or would she simply be heading back into the same hell she once knew, dying slowly as she was now, but with her love so close, and yet so distant?

            Too many questions, and now simply wasn't the time to dig for answers.  Rising from her bed, she realized the only black dresses she had were sparkly, the kind of glamorous dress you would only wear to a performance, or party, certainly not a funeral.

            "I'll have to go shopping," she murmured to herself.  "Something black, and elegant."

            (And something that will turn Squall's head) the more devilish part of her mind added.  (Something that will show him just what he's missing out on.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Rinoa gazed up at the church where the ceremony was being held.  Unlike the rest of Esthar, it was made of stone and was located on the ground level, its steeples towering above the rest of the buildings around it and reaching toward the sky.  Stained glass windows lined the walls, shining in saintly beauty, and tall, arched doors engraved with images of angels were propped open, a steady stream of people heading inside.

It was nearing noon, and the church was already packed with people that came to bid their president farewell.  Of course, campaigns for the next president had already started, and in an effort to look good, many of the new candidates had come to the funeral as well.  They stood around in the aisles making grand speeches on Laguna's behalf, and taking the opportunity to pass out buttons and take photos for the press.  Rinoa tried to slip past them, but one of them grabbed her arm as she was walking to her seat, and began rambling on about how he would follow in Laguna's footsteps as a preserver of peace.

            Someone near by cleared their throat loudly, and the man fell silently, a frown tugging his slightly wrinkled face as he noticed who had interrupted him.

            "This is neither the time, nor the place for this," a familiar voice growled as a hand rested itself upon her shoulder.  "Please take your seat and remain silent, or I will personally escort you from the building."

            Rinoa smiled to herself, and turned to see Squall glaring at the older politician before leading her away.  "Looks like you have your hands full," she commented.

            He shrugged.  "For the life of me, I can't figure out why my father was such a popular person.  Or why no one else seems to be disturbed by the fact that his funeral is being turned into a political debate on who can suck up more."

            "I'm sorry," she whispered, hugging his arm despite her better instincts.  "I know how you feel.  When my mother died, everyone was there... all these famous people that had only pretended to be her friend.  They would talk about how much they missed her, even though they didn't know the first thing about her.  I hated it."

            Squall nodded, but didn't say anything.  This didn't surprise Rinoa, of course, but what did was the fact that she didn't mind so much this time.  Instead, the two made their way to the front of the church, where Quistis, Selphie, Ward, Kiros, and Ellone were all seated.  

            Selphie gazed at the pair in shock, noticing how close they stood to one another, and their entwined arms.  "Rinoa?" she questioned, hopping up from her seat.  She ran to the taller girl and hugged her, sniffling as she did.  "Sir Laguna would have been so happy to see you here."  In a lower voice, she whispered, "Are you two back together?"

            "Just friends," Rinoa answered quietly, before patting Selphie's back.  "The others aren't here?"

            She shook her head.  "They couldn't come.  Zell's mother is sick, and Irvine... well, who cares where that whore-dog is," Selphie laughed through her tears.

            Rinoa nodded, happy that Selphie had forgiven her, before taking a seat on the bench.  The ceremony was long and tearful, with Kiros delivering the eulogy.  Selphie wept loudly, making herself sick, while the rest of them mourned silently, with the exception of Squall.  He sat there, his body rigid and his face lacking emotion, as if he were in the middle of a Garden briefing, rather than his father's funeral.  No one noticed but Rinoa.  She would steal glances at him every now and then, just to see if it was getting to him.  She was disappointed to see that he simply didn't care.  After all, if he didn't care about this, why would he ever care about her?

            When it was over, Kiros and Ward bid them all a quick farewell before helping Ellone to the palace.  Her small, frail body wracked with sobs as she stumbled up from the bench and allowed herself to be led away.  Quistis and Selphie each hugged Rinoa goodbye, before running off to catch the limo back.  Finally, as people filed slowly out of the church, Squall and Rinoa were left alone.

            "It's starting to rain," Squall observed.

            Rinoa pulled her coat tighter around her body.  She had bought a gorgeous dress to wear, and yet, she never once took off her coat.  Once she was there, it just didn't feel right.  "Yeah," she whispered in reply.

            "It's... It's not really safe for you to walk the streets alone," he murmured cautiously, her last outburst at those words still ringing clearly in his mind.

            A smile tugged at the corners of her lips.  "You're right," she answered this time.  "Maybe I should have someone walk with me, and be my bodyguard?" 

            "If you're offering me the job, I'll accept."

            The two walked silently down the streets, rain pelting the small amount of their skin that was still visible, and soaking through their coats.  They fell into a steady pace, walking side by side but not quite touching.  The sun was slowly beginning to sink below the horizon, inflaming the sky with brilliant colors that cast a saintly golden glow upon their skin.

            Squall silently watched Rinoa as she strode beside him, head down in thought, and her saturated midnight locks clinging to her face.  She could've been just another face in the crowd, and yet, she shone with a beauty he'd never seen in any other person.  Perhaps that's why their eyes had met from across the room?  At the time it had seemed like some kind of fairy tale meeting, but now he realized, that even if they'd been strangers wandering the street, something would still have brought them together.

            (So what was it that tore us apart?  We were handed a fantasy on a silver platter and the only thing our fallible human hearts could do was destroy it,) he thought to himself.

            Despite his bitter ponderings, the image of the beautiful woman beside him softened his heart.  She shone like an angel, and yet, she was only a human being, a woman with faults and sins of her own.  For the first time, in his eyes, she was simply Rinoa, an earth bound angel that wasn't as far from his reach as he had always thought.  Something about this moved him, and he felt the urge to speak, to share something of himself, no matter how hard it was.

            ""Well, he died," he stated, then cringed at the stupidity of his words.  In a slight panic, he blurted out the first thoughts that came to him.  "It's hard to feel anything.  I know you don't understand, but-"

            "I do understand," she interrupted.  "I do... better than you know.  I once felt the same.  When my mom died... It was hard to believe it was real.  It was days before it sunk in.  I just kept thinking she would burst through the front door and pull me into her arms again."

            "You've lost a lot, too," he realized.  "How did you always manage to smile all the time?"

            "When I was young, I learned to smile, even when I wanted to cry," she explained.  "I could pretend I was happy, and the people around me would never have to know the truth.  I wouldn't have to drag them down with me."  She laughed slightly.  "I guess it was just some stupid attempt to be strong."

            "But you are strong," he argued. "There were times that I just wanted to scream.  Times that I knew I was going to lose it... but you'd be there, smiling, and it... it calmed me down."

            "Yeah, but didn't it get on your nerves?" she questioned.  "That I was always cheerful, always pestering you about something?"

            "Yeah, sometimes it did," he admitted.  "But once you were gone... I really missed it.  Besides, I know I frustrated you, too.  I kept drawing you closer and pushing you away..." He chuckled slightly.  "I finally pushed you too far, and you left.  After that, your smile wasn't there to calm me down anymore.  You can ask Quistis and Selphie... I bit everyone's heads off on a daily bases."

            "So I was told," Rinoa giggled.  "Are they staying here with you?"

            He shook his head.  "They're leaving tomorrow.  Soon, I'll have to leave as well."

            Rinoa suppressed the urge to ask him to stay, and said instead, "I hope everything works out on this mission."

            "Me too.  After I leave here... I don't know what I'll do.  I doubt I'd come back here, though.  Too many memories I'd rather not relive."

            Rinoa was silent at first, but then laughed, this time in full-blown amusement.  "You know, for once... I don't know what to say."

            "Don't say anything," he replied, his voice calm, and soft, yet at the same time, pleading.  "But will you do something else for me?"

            "What?"

            "Sing for me, Rinoa."

            She was rather taken aback by his request.  Sure, he had watched her sing before, but she hadn't thought it had made that big of an impact on him.  As she studied him quietly, words drifted through her mind, attached to a tune she'd never heard before.  She titled her head back and stared up at the darkening sky in contemplation, wondering if she should simply follow along with the melody in her heart.  Finally, she cleared her throat, and began to sing these new words that she felt forming in her soul.

_I can't feel a thing anymore_

_It's as if the world faded away while I was dreaming_

_Where is everything I knew before_

_Can't say that I understand_

_All the questions that are pouring down around me_

_A burden of doubt that I hold tight in my hand_

She realized as she sang, that there was more than one level of uncertainty.  There was the simple one, one where you weren't sure what to say, or do next, and a feeling of awkwardness would slowly start to consume you.  It seemed like such a major thing when you were young, blushing and fidgeting with uneasiness while you tried to talk to your high school crush.

            Then, there was this level.  A level of uncertainty where you knew that your life was dangling by a thin thread between heaven and hell, swaying back and forth in the battling winds of destiny and free will.  

A year early, her free will led her away from all that was familiar and comforting, and into a place where she had no choice but to struggle on her own.  She crawled beneath the weight of her own decisions, confused and blinded to what was right or wrong.  She could no longer differentiate between black and white, because in her world, she could see only blue.

_I couldn't hear a single sound_

_All the voices of the past, their echoes died away_

_And I couldn't live without your words around_

_A million things you never said_

_I should've known from the look on your face_

_Your feelings were never dead_

She absent-mindedly moved closer to him, her mind drifting back on all the things she missed about being near him.  No, he didn't utter a word now, as he didn't then, but this time she understood his reasoning.  The words she sang and felt in her soul... they were priceless expressions of her heart, with so much depth and meaning that with each lyric that left her throat, she felt as though a piece of her soul were being torn away.  It wasn't always the same for the words she spoke, however.  You could say a million things and never mean a single one.

            He knew that, and so he kept silent most of the time, unsure of whether his words would be enough.  To him, they seemed shallow, petty and unrealistic forms of fake comfort and emotion.  So many people had spoke insincere words to him over the years, filling him with hope, or happiness when he was a boy, only to realize it was nothing more than another broken promise after he had grown up.  He didn't want to let her down by spouting off promises he wasn't sure he could keep, or feelings that he'd yet to fully understand.  So instead, he just stayed silent.

_Don't walk away from me_

_Take away my everything_

_I can't leave all this pain behind_

_Until the guilt in me subsides_

_Don't run away from me now_

_Now that the dream is winding down_

Her earlier thoughts on his lack of words made her wonder if she had been one of those people that let him down.  Of course she'd loved him, and cared about him, and she didn't hesitate to tell him.  She knew that she didn't lie about that, at least.  Well, lying was the wrong word.  She would never intentionally tell him an untruth, not about something like that.  Perhaps the better term was saying things without thinking them through.  She knew now that she loved him, but perhaps she'd told him that even before she really knew it?

            She'd told him that she'd be there for him forever.  Yet, when the pressure started to build, she fled, and left him.  He was right in what he'd said before.  She'd abandoned him, and she never regretted anything more.

_Comfortably surrendering my will_

_If I were the only one left in the world_

_Would I hold my head high still_

_Carrying the world on my shoulders_

_Hopelessly trapped in your eyes_

_The flame of my resolve burns colder_

She had tried so hard for so long to stand on her own two feet, to be strong and prove to the rest of the world that she was capable of handling herself.  So why did she feel so weak when she was with him?  For a year she carried on by herself, but one split second of looking into his eyes across the darkened bar made her feel powerless.

            Still, that feeling of utter helplessness when she was near him was strangely addictive.  It was like being seduced into a comfortable vulnerability.  Being entangled within those strong arms, and touched with those hands that had been stained with blood so many times before... she never felt safer than when she was there.  She had wanted so badly to be strong on her own, and yet, how could she truly be strong without him?  He was all at once her weakness, and her strength, as confusing as it was to her.  No, she simply couldn't carry on by herself.

_Tell me another lie_

_Right now I don't think I can handle the truth_

_You are nothing to me if not sly_

_Slip off your mask_

_I wanna see your face tonight_

I don't think it's so much to ask 

They were approaching her apartment now, after what seemed like an eternity of walking.  He still said nothing, but she could tell he was listening to her every word intently, mesmerized by her powerful voice, the drops of rain that outlined her face, and even the movement of her lips.  It was as though she were the only thing in the world.

            It occurred to him as he listened, that he too, had shed some of his mask.  Even if it was only to explain his lack of emotion, it was something, and he felt relief at having finally done that for her.  The fact that she understood and accepted it made him feel more comfortable with telling her things.

            Those three words lingered upon the tip of his tongue.  I miss you, I love you.  Saying either one would have eased the anxious aching in his heart.  But now was not the moment.  It was too soon for a confession of that magnitude, and moreover, he wouldn't interrupt her song for anything. 

_Don't walk away from me_

_Take away my everything_

_I can't leave this pain behind_

_Until the guilt in me subsides_

_Don't run away from me now_

_Now that the dream is winding down..._

_I have nowhere left to go_

No place to call my home 

Rinoa lowered her voice as the climbed up the stairs to her apartment.  She glanced over her shoulder, just to make sure that Squall was following, before continuing upward.  Should she let him come in?  It didn't seem appropriate, but she didn't want him to leave.  Everything she'd missed, and everything she loved about him... It all came rushing back to her, and now she craved it, longed for his presence.  

            "Do you... Do you want to come in?" she asked quietly as she interrupted her own song.

            "I guess it wouldn't hurt... For a few minutes," he murmured, hoping he didn't sound too eager.  He didn't want to leave her anymore than she wanted him to leave.

            She smiled at him and unlocked her door, humming the rest of the song as they entered and making a mental note to write down the words when she got a chance.

Rinoa slid her coat from her shoulders and allowed it to drop to the floor, for the first time revealing her sleek black dress.  Like all her other dresses, it clung to her beautifully curved form, and showed a tasteful amount of skin.  It was just enough to make his mouth go dry, but not enough to give away all the surprise.

            She laughed a little to herself.  There wasn't much in the way of surprise anymore.  A little too much alcohol at Irvine's birthday party and lowered inhibitions had seen to that.  With her better judgment altered, she'd had the courage she needed to make a move on him, and being rather tipsy himself, he didn't resist for once.  Neither one was really ready, and afterwards, it had caused more awkwardness between them.

            (No more dwelling on the past) she promised herself as she smiled at him.

            "Let me go change into something more comfortable," she told him, then winced at the cheesy line that escaped her mouth.  He didn't seem to notice as his eyes traveled the length of her body and back.

            A few moments later she stepped out in a pair of jeans and a sweater.  Her apartment was a bit drafty due to the faulty heating system, and it was especially bad at night.

            By this time, he had allowed his coat to join hers on the floor and was idly wandering around the room.  "It's nice," he commented.  "A little more bare than I expected."

            Rinoa laughed.  "I've hardly had time to decorate.  So, did I hear you right?  Squall Leonhart actually voiced an opinion?"

            He turned back to her with a tiny smile.  "Yeah.  Maybe you rubbed off on me more than I thought."

            She shook her head and laughed.  "Glad to know I made an impression."  A few moments of heavy silence passed between the two before she cleared her throat and said, "So, aren't you cold?  I mean, in those damp clothes, you're bound to catch pneumonia.  Especially with my heater on the fritz."

            "No man around to fix it, huh?" he inquired innocently.

            Rinoa struggled to keep a straight face at his obvious attempt to dig for information.  "No, last time any body fixed my heater was oh, say... maybe about a year ago."

            Squall scratched at his neck in a clear sign of embarrassment.  "That's an awfully long time to go without heat."

            "Well, you know how it is," she replied quietly as she edged closer to him.  "You have to wait for the right repairman to come along.  Or maybe... to come back.  Anyway, I wasn't kidding when I said you'd get sick in those wet clothes.  You need to change."

            "Into what?"

            "I'm sure I could dig up something.  You don't mind pink pajamas with chocobos on them do you?" she questioned teasingly.

            "I think I'd rather freeze."

            "Well, so long as you're in my apartment, I'm not going to let you," she stated firmly before stomping up to him in her best attempt to look intimidating.  She stopped a few inches in front of him and immediately wished she'd never moved at all.  She was so close to him, his scent intoxicated her, and she felt heat burn in her cheeks at the thoughts that drifted through her mind.  She opened her mouth to try and speak, but found herself a captive to the intensity blazing in his normally icy gaze.

            The frivolous mood dwindled away in the stillness that settled over them, and a million different emotions seemed to pass in a single instant of uncertainty.  It was another of those moments in which the future was murky, life swirling with possibilities and unforeseen outcomes.  Even if they were nothing more than threads of a larger fabric, the feeling that passed between them was so immense, and, as if it were by the graces of some cosmic force, the will of their destinies and the will of their hearts were the same.

            "Squall," she murmured gently, touching a hand to his face.

            He suddenly buried his face in the crook of her neck, his arms wrapping tightly around her waist as he shook slightly.  "Looking at you makes me realize all the things that I've done wrong," he whispered.  "I pushed you away until you left, I pushed my father away until it was too late, and even now I feel this fear that makes me want to push you away again."

            She gently stroked her fingers through his hair, tears stinging her eyes as she felt a slight dampness sink through her sweater.  She tightened her embrace on him in comfort, before saying, "It's okay to be afraid.  Just don't let it destroy you."

            He took a deep breath, her familiar scent calming him.  "I... I don't want to be alone anymore."

            She gently guided his chin upward until she could look him in the eye.  "So don't be."

            Each drawn helplessly to the flame of the other, their lips slowly merged into one, dancing softly in a way they hadn't for a year.  They melted together in a tight embrace, timid hands grasping firmly what it hadn't held in such a long time.  Their kiss was smooth, flowing endlessly and easily like poetry and heating up to a passionate climax.  Their kiss deepened, and Rinoa discharged a quiet moan into his throat, reveling in the sensation that she missed so desperately.

            Pulling away from him and nipping at his jaw line and neck, she sighed contentedly, her warm breath caressing his skin and sending shivers down his spine.  His hands tangled in her hair and pushed her face to his so that he could ravage her mouth once more.  Boldly, she allowed her hands to dip beneath his soggy shirt and lightly trace his backbone with her fingernails before sliding her hands to the front and outlining the contours of his chest.

            "We have to get you out of this shirt before you get sick," she murmured while Squall kissed at the corners of her mouth and tasted the sensitive flesh of her neck.  She withdrew one of her hands so that she could undo the top half of the buttons on his white dress shirt before yanking it off over his head.

            Rinoa realized as they came together in another explosive kiss that her dream from before was coming true.  She had really seen the future, though the missing pieces had made it completely different that what she had expected at first.

            Just like her dream, she was beginning to feel dizzy.  She knew things were moving too fast, but she simply couldn't stop.  Every part of her being, and every inch of her skin were screaming for his touch.  No man could ever really turn her on the way he could, and twelve months hadn't changed that at all.

            Of course, it also hadn't changed the fact that he was hopelessly shy.  Like the gentlemen he was, he kept his hands safely against her shoulder blades.  Rinoa found herself floating back toward earth as she realized that she still couldn't get him to lose control.  Even now, as aggressive as his lips were against hers, he still wouldn't touch her the way she wanted him to.

            Using every ounce of will power she had, she gently pulled away from him and took a deep breath.  The disappointment was written clearly on his face, which only confused her.  If he wanted her, why wouldn't he touch her?

            "Look, it's getting late," she said once she'd finally caught her breath.  "You're welcome to crash on the couch if you want, but I need to get to bed."

            By this point, with all his confessions out in the open, his mask had slipped away, and the hurt and rejection he felt was so evident that it pained her.  She began to regret her actions, but as her mind drifted back to the morning after their one and only night together, and the week or so of almost complete silence that passed between them afterwards, she realized that no matter how badly she wanted him, she simply wasn't willing to walk that dead end path again.

            He scratched at his neck again, cursing beneath his breath and refusing to meet her gaze.  "No, I'd hate to impose."

            "Really, I wouldn't mind," she stated in a near plead.  As much as it hurt to see him like this and not touch him, she didn't want him to go.  She had the undeniable feeling that if she let him walk away now, he would never come back.

            He sighed heavily.  "What the hell do you want from me, Rinoa?" 

            She was surprised at his question.  "What do you mean?"

            "You know what I mean.  I... Rinoa, I..." he faltered, unable to voice his emotions.  "I feel like this is just some kind of game to you.  First you bite my head off, then you act like you owed me an explanation when I haven't even been a part of your life for a year, then you lash out again, and you flirt... one second you're all over me, and the next you're pushing me away.  You don't want me to touch you, but you don't want me to leave.  So tell me, what can I do?  What does it take to make you happy?"

            Her eyes filled with tears and she bit harshly into her lip.  "I'm sorry.  It's just that I was so angry for so long, and then suddenly there you are, and I still want to be angry, but it was so hard when you'd look at me that way... Like a lost little boy.  I want _you, _Squall, but I can't just throw myself back into that prison I lived in before.  The feelings I have for you will never go away, but I just can't keep killing myself for something that isn't returned.  I mean... it's obvious that you haven't changed."

            "Haven't changed?  Rinoa, I bared my soul for you just a few minutes ago."

            "I know, and for a second, I thought everything was different.  Still, you won't just let yourself go.  If I can't make you lose control... If I can't make you touch me..."

            Confusion distorted his features before he let out a harsh laugh.  "Most girls want a gentlemen, but you want someone that gropes you?  Did it ever occur to you that maybe I was scared of crossing the line?  You've been so difficult to please I was afraid I'd do the wrong thing and piss you off.  Guess it was a no win situation?"

            He bent down to retrieve his shirt, but her firm grip on his arm stopped him.  He glanced up to see the tears rolling freely down her cheeks, and again he let out a sigh of remorse.  "No," she whispered.  "Don't be sorry, it's not your fault.  I guess I could be rather hard to please.  I... I'm sorry.  I guess neither of us were really innocent, huh?"  She forced a smile as Squall straightened and pulled her up as well.  "Right now, there's only one thing I want, one thing that would make me happy."

            She found herself once more in his arms, both of his hands gently cradling her face and he took her tears with his lips.  It wasn't long before fire was blazing between them again, and this time, he showed no restraint.

            His rough, callused hands dove beneath her sweater and ventured up until his thumbs were caressing her hardened nipples through the silk of her bra while he continued his tender assault on her mouth.  Her body quivered in response, and she could feel heat spreading through her body, like lava flowing beneath her skin.  She reached behind her and unhooked the offending garment, letting it fall carelessly to the floor.  He wasted no time in getting acquainted with the smooth, newly exposed flesh, taking each breast in his large and powerful hands and kneading them gently.

            Her back arched, pressing her body more firmly against his as a soft cry escaped her lips.  The feeling of her curves pressed so closely against him seemed to send him into a frenzy, and he broke away from her mouth to nip roughly at her neck and shoulders.  He allowed his hands to travel lower now, and tore open the button and zipper on her jeans before pushing them down her hips.  Leaning against him for support, she stepped out them and kicked them away, then slammed him back into the door of her bedroom.

            Rinoa could feel something hard pressed against her stomach, and a wicked smile curved her lips as her tongue traced his collarbone.  "Hmm, it feels like someone's enjoying this," she purred and tugged on his bottom lip.

            An involuntary gasp left Squall's throat as Rinoa's hand suddenly came in contact with his excitement.  Giggling at his torment, her hands rubbed against his hardening manhood through the black material, his already snug pants pulling tighter with every stroke.  She watched him intently, his head tilted back against the door and his neck working as he groaned and shuddered.  She caught herself panting as she allowed her eyes to take in every inch of his exposed body.  Just the sight of him was so unbelievably sexy.  

            She pulled her thick sweater off and tossed it behind her.  Her skin pricked as the cold air rushed in to cover her now unprotected chest, and she pressed herself as close as she could to him in hopes of sharing his warmth.  He had other ideas for heating her up, though, and he turned her around until her back was pressed against the wooden obstruction, and lifted her up until her breasts were level with his face.  He ground his hips into hers, pressing the bulge in his pants enticingly between her legs as he feverishly flicked his tongue across her rigid nipples. 

            Her nails dug into his back as she moaned and mindlessly bucked her hips against him.  Inwardly, she was pulsing with desire, and tried to convey this sentiment through half-lidded eyes while he continued to explore what he had never seen in the light.  With one hand firmly gripping his shoulder, she trailed the other lightly down his chest, tickling him with her feathery touch until her fingers hooked around the top of his pants.  Just as she was slipping the button out of the small opening, the door gave a groan of protest behind her before giving way beneath the pressure.

            The two tumbled to the floor of her bedroom and paused, before breaking into a fit of laughter.  "That's what I get for living in a cheap apartment like this," she giggled beneath him.

            Squall shifted his weight onto his arms and nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck.  He exhaled heavily against her pale, velvet skin and decided that he would take this brief break in their passion to tell her how he felt.  "Rinoa... I don't want you to think that I'm doing this just out of lust."

            She massaged his back gently and smiled.  "The thought never even crossed my mind.  You're not that kind of guy.  Some things about you really haven't changed... And I'm glad.  Squall..." she took a deep breath and forced out the words that had been lingering at the back of her throat since she'd first seen him several nights ago.  "I missed you."

            He pulled her to him, smashing her up against him in a tight embrace.  "I missed you too, Rinoa."

            Placing a kiss on his cheek, she wiggled out from beneath him and stood.  "Now, you better finish what you started, Mr. Leonhart, or I'm going to be a very unhappy woman."

            He climbed to his feet and flicked the light in the bedroom on so that he could see his almost completely nude ex-girlfriend clearly.  "It would be my pleasure."

            This time she pounced on him and pushed him back against the bed, well earning the right to be the mighty Squall Leonhart's lioness.  She straddled his legs and leaned over him, one hand against the mattress to steady herself and the other circling his nipple.  His mouth latched on to her breast once more, suckling like a hungry child, and she could feel the wetness between her thighs grow.  Her touch strayed lower and pulled down his zipper before slipping inside his pants.  The sudden feel of her fingertips fondling him through the thin fabric of his boxer shorts made him bite down on her breast harshly in surprise, prompting from her a shocked but delighted squeal.

            She slid down, pausing briefly to pull off his shoes and socks before freeing him completely of his pants.  She crawled back up his body, licking a path up his chest and sitting astride him once more.  She began to move against him, slowly at first and then picking up pace in a parody of the act they would soon complete.  A sheen of sweat covered their skin, and a desperate moan rumbled through his chest as his erection throbbed deliciously against her heat.

            Squall could feel himself quickly approaching the edge, and grabbed her hips firmly in order to stop her actions.  He rolled her over and held her against the soft mattress.  Rinoa's eyes glittered with a combination of lust and love that made him quiver inside.  The glint of aggressive fervor blended beautifully in a unique paradox with soft emotion, and he knew her eyes were a chocolate mirror of his own.  

            His lips enticed hers and his fingers dipped into the black lacy piece of clothing that shielded the last bit of her from his sight.  Her mouth opened in a gasp as his fingers grazed her lips, and he took advantage, his tongue battling with her own and tasting every inch of her mouth.  He swallowed her cries as he eagerly teased her entrance in revenge for all the torment she'd put him through thus far.     

            Shifting against him, she hastily pushed the small piece of cloth off her hips and down her legs as far as she could before he took over the job.  He placed small kisses along her slender legs on his way back, until he was nipping at her inner thighs.  He paused then, for an agonizingly long moment, before she felt his tongue stroke the most sensitive point in her body, forcing out an involuntary hiss through her clenched teeth.

            In a breathless voice, she begged him to ease her aching, and he could do nothing more but comply.  He was afraid if he tried to hold out much longer, he'd lose it.

            He claimed her body with a gentleness that made her heart wrench.  There were dull pains as her body worked to accommodate the intrusion it hadn't felt for a year, but the intense feeling of finally being complete again mostly washed the sensation away.  Already she could feel herself clamping down on him as he buried himself fully with an unrestrained moan.

            Rinoa crushed her eyes shut as the rest of the world faded away.  Nothing had ever felt so good, so right in her life, and she wanted nothing more than to cling to him and the feeling he gave her.  He moved within her with slow, small thrusts at first, his breath ragged and his muscles tensed in concentration.  He traced her features with his thumb, and her eyes fluttered open.

            It was just like her dream, but so much better.  This was reality, yet she still saw paradise hidden within those heavenly blue eyes of his, along with ever emotion that passed through his soul.  She saw there, the exact moment when his control snapped, and he was conquered by his need of her.  He plunged himself into her endlessly, the friction building into a divine crescendo more beautiful than any song she could've sang alone.

            She bucked and writhed against him, losing her mind and all inhibitions within the surge of wild pleasure that grew between them.  His throaty growls echoed her own frantic screams until a cosmic orgasm ripped through her body and she toppled over the edge, taking him with her.

            Panting and sweaty among the twisted sheets of her unmade bed, he gathered her into his trembling arms and held her as if she were an extension of himself, and not a separate being at all.

            Sleep tugged at her mind as she rained calming kisses against his neck, and she had almost drifted away into the sweet, infinite void of slumber when she heard him sigh in satisfaction, and whisper, "So... how was that for repairing your heater?"

            No, it wasn't romantic, and poetic, suave or cool, but it only made her love him even more, if that was possible.  This was, after all, reality, not some cheesy fictional romance novel where the hero always said the perfect thing.  She giggled and snuggled deeper into him, allowing herself to become intoxicated by his scent and dizzy with his warmth.  "I couldn't ask for a better repairman, that's for sure."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Damn, was that a long chapter.  Just so you know, it took me at least a week if not more, working little by little everyday, to get this complete.  But here it is, so return the favor and review.

Next chapter "A Rainbow in my Hands": Rainy skies of gray and blue recede and in its wake, a rainbow of vivid colors is left.  Reality becomes the greatest fantasy anyone could ask for, as two people learn to live again.  The last chapter of this anti-fairytale may very well have its happy ending after all. 

   __


	5. A Rainbow in My Hands

A/N: Last chapter!

Disclaimer: I don't own the song "See You Space Cowboy" by Yoko Kanno, performed by Mai Yamane. The lyrics are slightly rearranged for a smoother translation. It's the lyrics that make the song perfect for the last chapter, but if you could actually hear it, it would make an even better closing, as this song is actually a slight variation from the song in the first chapter "Real Folk Blues", but with a completely different message.

Chapter 5: A Rainbow in My Hands

A very sweet dream. For a moment, it seemed that it was all it really was. It was a beautiful, vivid dream, and she would awake to find herself alone, just as she did every morning, just as she had the morning after that first botched encounter all those months ago. It should have been something special then, yet, it was ruined. Why would this be any different? Why would it have ever happened in the first place? It was simply too good to be true, too wonderful to believe that the warmth she felt next to her was real. The morning after, and her initial reaction: disbelief.

As soon as her eyes fluttered open, her vision was flooded with intense sunlight, and she could see nothing beyond the colors exploding before her eyes. (It doesn't matter, he isn't here to see) she thought, cringing against the brightness that threatened to invade her reality.

She stiffened as she suddenly felt movement next to her, and suddenly, the blinding sun light was gone, replaced with a comforting shadow. She chuckled slightly at her own foolishness. There had been no reason to fear the truth in the first place. This reality was better than any dream.

So he really was there, sleeping peacefully next to her. So it was true that he felt something for her. But what would happen now? Where would they go, what would they do? He was quitting SeeD, he could stay here with her if he wanted, but was that what he wanted? Did she still want this life, even with him by her side? She wasn't sure she could sing such lonely songs for a living, now that she was so happy... not that she minded that.

"Brooding is supposed to be my department," a groggy voice announced from her side.

She smiled. "Your habits are starting to rub off on me."

An unfamiliar ring tone entered her ears from the direction of her living room, and she raised a questioning eyebrow at the door. "It's my cell phone," Squall explained, though he made no move to get up. "It was in my coat pocket, which I'm guessing is somewhere on the living room floor now with the rest of our clothes."

"Oh, I see. You think they're worried about you?" Rinoa asked.

"Yeah."

"Then shouldn't you answer it?"

"I'm not getting up right now. Feel free to go answer it if it bothers you that much," he replied, shielding his eyes with his forearm and gently stroking her back with his free hand.

"Nope," she sighed in contentment. "I don't think I could get up right now if I wanted do. You wore me out." He nuzzled his face into her neck as she spoke, and at her last words she felt a smile form against her skin. "Proud of yourself, huh?" she laughed. "That's all right, you deserve to be. Seriously... I was thinking..."

He groaned, the sound muffled against her shoulder. "Irvine warned me about this."

"About what?"

"This 'pillow talk' thing you women do in the morning."

"Is that why you left the first time?" she asked, the words slipping out before she could really think them through.

He raised his head until his eyes met with hers. "I was a frightened idiot," he answered seriously. "There's no other excuse, no other reason, but that."

"You'll make up for it," she smiled, until her previous thoughts returned. "Won't you?"

"Are you asking if I'll stay with you?" At her hesitant nod, he placed a brief kiss on her lips and held her a little bit tighter. "I'll... I'll stay with you forever if you'll let me. I... I..." as much as he wanted to say it, he was unable to get past his throat the words he so desperately wanted to say.

"It's all right," she said quickly, placing a finger over his lips. No, it wasn't the perfect moment that she dreamed of for so long, no, he wasn't the perfect man. But staring down into his eyes, seeing everything he wanted to say but couldn't voice, she came to one conclusion. "That's all I need right now."

* * *

"Is it just me, or did they not seem very surprised at this?" Rinoa asked, her arm looped with that of her lover's as they walked together away from the Presidential Palace after their visit with Quistis and Selphie.

Squall shrugged. "Maybe they're just intuitive?"

"Intuitive hell, they acted like this whole thing had just been a matter of time." She turned to look at him suspiciously, but his gaze was directed toward the brilliant blue sky above. "Have you... given any thought to what you'll do after your work here is over?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Whatever you want."

"I wanna get married!" she exclaimed, for the sheer sake of testing him.

"Don't push your luck," he replied with a tiny, teasing smile.

"You're no fun," she sighed, leaning her head on his shoulder. They had come to a stop aside of a fancy restaurant where Squall was scheduled to meet with the candidate from his father's party. "So, will you come watch me perform tonight?" she asked, gazing up at him hopefully. That morning, as he was in the shower, she'd sat down and composed a song with him in mind. She planned to sing it at the bar, but if he wouldn't be there, there would be no point.

"Of course I'll be there," he said, then shook his head. "I'll try my best to be there. I won't promise you something that I'm not certain I can keep... but I will do everything in my power to be there."

She smiled, appreciative of his honesty. "Will you miss me?" she asked.

He touched her face, and that small bit of contact reminded her how good it was to be alive. "Yes, Rinoa. I will. You know... you'll always be on my mind."

He kissed her briefly, stealing away whatever words formed on her lips. Before she could respond, he had disappeared into the restaurant, leaving her alone with her thoughts. Those words... She placed a hand to her face where her skin still tingled from his touch, and grinned. "Intuitive hell... they knew the truth all along."

* * *

The lights dimmed, and her heart began to pound once more. It was a natural human reaction, something that she would never quite get over, and it only increased as she wondered if the audience would like her new song, which was quite a bit different from anything she'd sang before that.

'It doesn't matter, it's not for them anyway.'

The room was completely dark now, save the stage light that suddenly flickered on to illuminate her. Still, squinting against the light, she noticed the door in the corner open up, and a familiar figure walk in, taking a seat at an empty booth.

"Good evening, everyone," she greeted, still sounding shy and unsure of herself, even after all this time. "I've got a new song to sing for you guys tonight, it's a lot different from my usual stuff. I hope you like it."

She closed her eyes, not so much hearing the piano begin to play, and the subtle bass that joined in as feeling it. It was a slight variation of the song she sang days ago, a tale of blues and sorrow that had dominated her life. She smiled just slightly. There was no need to live in the world of blues and grays any longer.

_As I thought everything was over _

_I closed my ears to your voice _

_The words that you spoke floated away In tomorrow_

_ I found no comfort_

The feelings that she felt, the emotions that she poured into her words... it wasn't something that she had experienced alone. Hundreds of miles and a lifetime away, the other half of her soul was left to pick up the pieces she'd left behind.

Squall could remember that day perfectly. The argument, the harsh words exchanged... knocking on her door hours later to check on her, only to realize that she wasn't there. She didn't leave a note, but then, she didn't have to. The room was completely empty aside from a few pictures of the two of them together, an old shirt of his that she'd stolen, and, the thing that really drove her departure from his life home, his ring lying alone in the middle of her desk.

As the days past, and it became clear that she might never come back, he decided that the only thing he could do was try to forget. Like the memories of childhood suffering that still haunted him, he wanted his memories of her to fade, so that the pain he felt might also drift away. He blocked out her voice, the words and broken promises she made, the glint in her eyes when she looked at him... It wasn't worth it to remember, he convinced himself. She was just another person to walk out on him, no different than the rest.

_In the night, I prayed for it to disappear _

_What do you believe, and where do you go_

_Our shooting star was the color of tears _

_And our laughter has passed away_

It was unbearable, ten times worse than anything before. He felt like that child he thought he'd left behind, the boy who had foolishly let his hopes rise, only to have them crushed once more beneath the weight of reality. It wasn't as if she had died, or been taken away against her will. What stung the most, to the point where he could not function if he allowed himself to feel it, was the fact that she left him on her own, gone back on everything she'd ever said to him. He pledged his life to her, and for what? It had all been a meaningless fairy tale in the end. Something meant only to make him more miserable. At the time, he could only see one side of the story.

For a year he went on, not quite living, just lingering on the border between existence and death, as though his life were nothing more than a nightmare from which he would one day awake. He shut down his emotions, and buried himself beneath mountains of work to keep his mind from wandering to the fatal subject of his broken heart. He could not allow himself to feel it, much less express it. It was more than just a matter of pride this time, more than wanting to escape the pity people would feel for him. It was survival.

_There is nothing that doesn't change..._

Two months prior to his mission in Esthar, he received a call from Laguna. Word of Rinoa's great talent had spread through the city, and eventually reached the ears of the President himself. Squall hadn't wanted to know where Rinoa was. After all, his sole purpose in life was now to just forget about her. His father wouldn't let it go, however. He went so far as to send him a tape of one of Rinoa's performances that someone had taken, and it was that which changed everything.

Sorrow, remorse, anger... even through the tape he could feel it pouring off of her. The words that she sang, the tears that glittered in her eyes with every word... It was like standing before the ashes of a building you'd set aflame, seeing how the life once contained within had fled and now stood in dark, unforgiving ruins. She had suffered... at his hand, no less. For the first time, he really thought about the things he'd put her through. For the first time, he understood her side of the story. Could he have prevented her leaving? Could he have stopped both of them from being miserable? While it didn't change the fact that she had fled from him, breaking a promise he had trusted in with all his being, he knew now he wasn't exactly innocent himself.

_Even if my life is gone _

_You cannot extinguish my love _

_It will live on eternally _

_Even if the dream is hiding in the darkness _

_I've got a rainbow... in my hands_

When it became apparent that Laguna was in the last stages of his life, he requested the help of SeeD, asking specifically that his son be in the team they sent. After all, he and Selphie spoke quite frequently, and she let him know that while sharing his information on Rinoa had done some good, Squall wouldn't do anything without a push in the right direction. Laguna used his unfortunate circumstances to his son's advantage, making it his last personal mission in life. At the other end, Quistis and Selphie did what women do best, nagging and yelling at Squall until he simply didn't have the will to protest anymore.

Somewhere during the ride between Balamb and Esthar, he decided that it didn't matter if she turned her back on him. No matter how hard he tried to block her out, her image still lingered in the back of his mind, plaguing his dreams, following him during every waking step. He would never be able to let her go. And so, there was nothing else to do but get her back.

_Your voice passes deep in my mind_

_And in the morning, I prayed for the truth_

_There are some things that never change_

_Love will come back here again..._

She watched him through the crowd, unable to take her eyes off of his. Every song she ever sang was directed at him, and yet, this was the first she could ever really sing to him. Watching him, she realized that, for the first time since her mother had passed away, she no longer felt alone.

There was a time not so long ago when her mind could not have ever imagined this, sitting here and singing her sentiments of love to a man she had never wanted to lay eyes on again. It was true that she could never forget... his voice, his face, those burning eyes were all deeply imprinted into her memory, things that she could never escape from now matter how hard she tried. She wouldn't dare hope that he would ever come chasing after her, like some prince in a childhood tale that couldn't bare to be parted from his princess. Even if he had come...

'He did come... it just took him a while...'

It was not as if she could accept him with open arms. Pride was far too powerful a force to take back seat to her hidden longings. How much more suffering had she caused the both of them with her stubbornness?

'Would he have come here for me, if he didn't like me that way? It's nice to know some things don't change.'

_Love never dies_

_Love never feigns_

_Love never ever fades away_

It was true, his feelings had never died or faded, not even after all the time he spent trying to deny he even felt that way anymore. His feelings were strangled by pride, attacked with pain, and buried beneath more anger than he cared to recall. All that, to try and stifle a feeling that would never leave him in peace.

'Such foolish creatures we can be... we only make things harder for ourselves...'

_This love won't fade away_

_It stays forever_

_Breaking darkness_

_Leave behind the phantoms_

_Frozen in time_

_Our love is waiting_

_In the far beyond rainbow_

She smiled at him, her invitation expressed as she reached out her hand, the longing for him to answer clearly illuminated in the spot light.

'Leave behind your ghosts and demons. Let it be just us now.'

It wasn't that simple, the both of them knew it. But it was a place to start, something to work towards that would hopefully one day mend their relationship of the wounds inflicted by the phantoms they couldn't seem to leave behind.

'We'll do it together, no more going it alone.'

He nodded slightly, his unspoken response to an equally silent question. No one could do it alone, a lesson that, while she understood it, even she had problems putting into action. After all, running off like that wasn't the first time she'd gotten in trouble while trying to act alone.

'We've both learned a lesson.'

_You've got a rainbow _

_A rainbow in your hands_

'You've got a second chance... we both do...'

He didn't stand up and clap with the others in the bar, his legs felt as if they couldn't move at all. It was an indescribable feeling, watching her glow beneath the stage lights and smile at him, knowing what she was offering him... her life, her heart, the chance to start anew.

She left the stage, and he finally stood from his seat, walking closer to the stairway where she would soon meet him. As he stood there, a place he almost felt he didn't belong for its connections in a more bitter part of their past, the question of what would come after this once again rose into his mind.

He'd brushed off her question earlier, as if he hadn't given it any thought at all. Of course that was far from the truth with him. The question had risen in his mind after awaking that morning... of course, this was after he spent a few moments recalling and relishing the events that had ended up with her in his arms. He didn't feel comfortable staying in Esthar, but if she wanted to...

"Squall?" a voice came from the spot beside him pulling him from his deep analysis of the future. "That's one habit I'll never break you from, isn't it?"

He smiled, just a little, but it wasn't necessary. She could tell from his eyes alone that he was content in this moment. Still, he was trying harder to express himself for her sake, and the effort was touching, no matter how small. "You're welcome to try as long as you want to."

"All right, then. That will be my goal for the future."

"And the rest?" he asked.

She shrugged and giggled a little. "It's our story. Let's just write it as we go."

Taking his hand, the two stepped outside. Rain pounded down upon the streets, as if trying to wash the earth clean of its sins. The road had begun to resemble a shallow river, and it seemed that not a soul besides them existed, the land animals known as humans having mostly scrambled for shelter when the first few drops fell from the sky.

Turning to him with a mischievous grin, she grabbed his hand and pulled him through the heavenly downpour, her typical weariness at the dark skies that would gather overhead forgotten as she ran, laughing like a child and even coaxing a smile from her usually stern-faced lover.

By the time they'd reached her apartment once more, breathless and shivering in their damp clothes, it was nearing sunset outside. Digging through her purse for her keys, Rinoa happen to glance up at the sky and gasped slightly.

"Look!" she exclaimed, pointing at the bright streak of colors painted in an arc across the sky. She giggled slightly to herself, but was abruptly halted as a pair of lips pressed themselves against hers.

He pulled away slightly, pressing one hand to her face and using the other to tightly grasp her hand. "Rinoa... I..."

He wanted to say it, she could tell, but the words seemed caught in his throat. She smiled and shook her head, squeezing his hand in hers. There was no need to rush, after all. They had the rest of their lifetimes to talk it through. "I know," she replied gently. "You can tell me later."

_I've got a rainbow_

_In my hand..._

* * *

A/N: Corniest, mushiest, ending ever. And worst of all, I constantly conked you in the head with the symbolism mallet. Please forgive me. The story simply refused to come to a close until I used the rainbow and rain analogies at least two or three times.

Now, allow me, if you will, to direct you once again to the soon to be posted rewritten version of Dreaming Awake. Completely redone, nothing like the original. I basically just removed all the chapters posted there but one, and that one will be replaced. I all ready have about three or four chapters of it written, so I should be able to do regular updates for a while.


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